Hello..

Haven't been feeling well lately, so you won't catch me posting much...not that I ever post daily or anything (lol) ...a quick update: I've been sick and battling these constant headaches for like three months now. So annoying. Also, stupid doctors messed up on my meds so I was given high dosage tablets for radiation/chemo patients that have been battling cancer for a while which is not me! I don't count months as years... So I just stopped taking them! Didn't resolve the problem, just made shit worse /: oh well! might I add that I have been the biggest most coldest heartless person I know. Not something to be proud about I just don't know how to change it.. & I hate it...
Idk, I just feel like hella shit has fallen apart and I want to undo a lot of things but can't, I mean I could but haven't found a way too since the damage has been done. I've been so unhappy with things lately...I'm good one moment but sad the next /: I'm not always there.. It's a struggle. I miss myself, my old self.. Happy, slow, giggly, goofy...weird, etc! The only thing that keeps me up is Oscar & Avery. ❤
I love my boys and to be honest if it weren't for them I would have given up right now. I only strive for a better life I am the only one they have. Growing up with a single parent was hard for my mom.. We didn't have much and often struggled but it was just enough to get us by.. I love my mom for always making it through.. She never disappointed me. Like my super hero 💕
I want to be that and more for my kids. I strive to be like her in the motherly sense minus the 4 kids.. Haha
But anyways it's 6:31 am and I'm on the bus to downtown Seattle for my Abortion appointment.
I don't know how I feel about this.. I don't think it has hit me yet.. I am just here thinking, listening to Ryan Cabrera, writing in my blog...thinking shit just got real. I sounded so black lol jk ✌& ❤!!
Hmm, I don't know if I am actually going to go through with it yet /: I just need to explore every option.
Since I already have two kids this makes my decision easy you would think but no... Still hard! And I'm Mormon so it's even harder to decide...I mean I seriously would opt for giving the baby up for adoption seeing that a lot of LDS couples can't have kids or have hard times getting pregnant. I have an open heart I just hope God doesn't leave me and continues to guide me through this day.. Bc I can't decide without him. I have no one.. My sisters are against me. Mother has no idea, brother suspects....it's just so hard :( my friends are all trying to get pregnant, married or engaged /: while I sit here alone.
I don't mind not having a bf, but sometimes you start to miss doing couple things..ya know 😔
& after that whole Thea thing.. well I never forgave myself so it's hard to let it go & be happy. When it keeps floating in my head.

Man I have the worst morning sickness ever! I don't even know how I'm going to last on the bus.. Hahaha
It's crazy how life is.... (sigh)

I'm almost in Downtown. Wow, quick... My appt isn't until 9 am but rather be early than lost/late. Hmm. Maybe some breakfast will do me good.. Any suggestions? Syke! I gotta get ready to take another bus and then grab food by the clinic.
So until tomorrow..

✌& ❤ peeps! :)