.......Sometimes you just have to give up on love.. Well for me anyways..
I believe God does things for a reason, right now i'm not sure what his reason is.. but I hope to one day find out... These last two months have been the hardest for me (well like month & a half). So many things have happened. I don't even know where to begin..
You know how they say "don't mix business with pleasure?" ...well yeah I mixed it alright. I totally fell in love with my business partner/friend. My friend and i have gone through so much these last couple months it was kind of hard not to....(sigh)
This "love" I feel for him was not like any other..It reminded me of the happiest times in my childhood. The happiest times of my life..you know that warm, fuzzy feeling. :) Which was amazing! Thea, knew how to make me smile (which if you knew me...isn't easy bc i'm very emo, cranky, etc), I care so much about him that it was so hard letting him go.. Since, ending our friendship (over email...I know i'm lame) I have been the Sappiest person ever, wearing dark colors, listening to depressing love songs, man hating music, not eating, not being able to sleep, I've cried like a MILLION times....Seriously depressing. The reason for ending our friendship or whatever it was that we had was because while he's been going through a rough patch. I've been hiding a dreadful secret.. I tried to be there for him always! I really did! I always put him first or 2nd next to my kids. I helped him when I could & with what i could..i always wanted to help him, or see if there was any way i could help, or be there for whatever.. but this last time i just couldn't...and the fucked up part was that i told him i would be there.....made him wait days even & just wasn't. (don't judge me yet I have my reasons)
Seriously, I feel like shit.....worse if anything could be worse than shit. :(((
I cannot get over the fact that I was the one who hurt him in such a way, i know it ended everything....When there is no trust, you have nothing. & between us their was no trust..not anymore at-least.
Now, for the hard part..
For the past month and a half or so I have been hiding this..
Keeping this to myself and still trying to act like everything in life is fine.....like i have no problems i thought maybe I shouldn't have to deal with this alone but ended up just doing that.
Anyways, a few months back I started noticing things happening with my body, I figured I was just seeing things or feeling things. Then followed dreams where my Grandfather visited me warning me, of many things. Another dream where my dog came for me....(weird I know but in our family it means bad things when dead members of the family visit you in your dreams)..
Well enough beating around the bush.
I have been diagnosed with (ALL) Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, and I have been hiding it from my family, friends, and self. After my 2nd MRI and many lab tests they found traces of cancer cells spreading throughout my blood. Another thing that was found was a tumor...a Malignant tumor in its second stage.
No one knows what went on between Thea and I but after he told me he might want a relationship after all that went on, it startled me.. How could I have let him fall for me knowing I have cancer. Having to go through Chemo & Radiation therapy like what was I thinking.. leading him on to believe that he could ever be happy with me. I did the right thing by pushing him away. At least I hope it was the right thing, even if it meant destroying our trust, friendship and something that could've been, something that i use to want so badly but now i just really want to be his friend :(
All because of stupid cancer!
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